I wake up like any day…late.
I sleep in till my body can’t stand it any more. My eyes barely open, no longer able to close. I roll over trying to rouse my heart to start beating quick enough to release me from this near coma. My motivation is thirst plus I have to pee. How’s that possible, how can I want to add more fluid to my body when I haven’t had a chance to unload the last downed glass of water, the glass that sits at my bedside every night knowing it will soon be visited in the dark of the night by a hand that, like any blind person’s, can find it without hesitation, only I’m not blind, I’m just thirsty.
I shuffle my stiff body to the bathroom and move through all the motions needed to jolt my body from this nightly ritual of suffering. I pee, brush my hair, wash my face, brush my teeth. On special days I put some face cream on and stop long enough to see that I don’t want to stay any longer than necessary in front of the mirror. I then walk past the bed in disgust at how long I lingered in it, knowing how much less I will accomplish because of it.
I think maybe I’ll get dressed walking out my bedroom door, putting it off till after I have had a bit of tea and my morning computer time. My morning computer time becomes afternoon computer time since the morning only had an hour left in it. I grab a bowl of cereal or steal the remaining egg left behind by my children’s father and return to my computer. I rumble throughout the various pieces of paper, called list, that are randomly taken through out days previous and see what I can be productive in. Minutes turn into hours.
The garage door opens up to the laundry room where my daughter arrives with her hands full of school books, bringing outside energy lingering behind her. My heart palpates with thoughts of dread, knowing how quickly my life is racing away from me.
This year my daughter is driving.
I have to answer to no one for the first time in my adult life.
How am I doing?
Not so well…I think I need a nap.